So, I have been promising a picture from my dad’s grave. Here you go 
We have been there again last saturday for cleaning and it was cold, very cold. But here is how it looks now.
So, as I wrote in my last post, I need change. Especially changing me. The last couple of years, really, I didn’t take control of my life and had the feeling everything just happened to me. Instead of dealing with things, I felt as a victim of circumstances. Not good!
You will never be happy living that way, and the people around you will neither. So it’s about time I take over my own life again.
And the first step of doing that, is trying to create awareness of how I respond to things and people in my life. And to help me do that, I bought a book (or two).
It’s called To choose happiness, written by Kay Pollak. I read an interview with him in a magazine and thought that book would help me achieve my goals. And it does!
I already notice change inside of me. I am aware of my own reactions and am not afraid to talk about that either.
I am able to take a step back and look at what I just did. And that’s the first step. The next step is actually being able to change that way of acting.
So yeah, I’m feeling somewhat relieved that I seem to be able to reach my goals where at first I wasn’t so sure I could. But I want out of that strange ‘I’m a victim of circumstances’ so, so, so badly, that I’m pretty determined to accomplish the goals I have set in my head.
And then there is the case of insecurity. My self-confidence and self-reliability is very low. People around me tell me they don’t understand why I am insecure. I’m a beautiful person, inside and out, they say. Well, it’s nice these people see that and believe that. Now I need to start believing. But it takes time to get rid of that feeling. But I’ll get there eventually And lead a happier life!
For everyone that’s in the same spot as I am right now, I recommend that book. It will help you see what you silently knew was true but didn’t want to see…
And there we are…2010. Pfff, time goes by fast and it seems to go even faster each year. A lot has happened the last couple of months due which I didn’t post much. I’m not going to elaborate on what al that is, let me just say that my life is a mess.
And it has been for a long time, I just didn’t (want to?) see it.
Actually, ever since my dad died, I lost myself. Lost who I am and what I want in life. Now is the time to find myself again and find out what I want from life. And that is something I have to do alone. My marriage hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park either, lately. I just hope that finding myself again, fixes things between Croga and me. I hate how we are right now, but for now I don’t want to worry about that. I first need to look after myself and once I am happy with who I am and what I want again, we can try to fix things together.
So for now, I need to focus on me and I intend to be myself again. It probably means going through some rough times. There are still things from my past I didn’t process and digest correctly. I just buried it, and now it comes back to bite me in the ass.
So a lot of good intentions for the new year. I hope everything turns out alright. No, let me rephrase that: I KNOW everything will turn out alright 
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