Julynell’s world

So here I am, tuesday evening, alone, on my couch, with my laptop on my lap, wondering. Wondering about life, wondering about me. About who I am and what I want from and in life.
And actually, I don’t really know. Isn’t that odd? Not knowing what you want or what is important to you? I always thought to know what was important to me, but ever since one of my closest friends died, I’m not so sure anymore…
I always thought that what was important to other people was important to me, and in a sense it still is. But now I tend to think that what I want should be more important to me. And that’s where it goes wrong…What do I really want? We all want to be happy of course. But what is it that makes me happy? Really happy?
And the answer is: I don’t know. I really don’t. Pfff, talking about making it difficult to oneself.

And still, making other people happy, seeing people who are important to me happy, makes me feel good. But that’s not something I always have a part in, is it? So what do I want, besides happy people around me? One thing I do know: I want to do more with my creative side, that makes me joyful, so I ordered a drawing course last friday to tickle my creative side and improve my drawing. I can’t wait till the mailman delivers it!
Slowly but surely things get a little more clear. Being creative is something that always gave me a lot of positive energy and that’s what I need right now. So first the drawing and maybe later making a new design for this website. I still need to put up a portfolio anyways so.

My head is really full lately, work is crazy, I’m going to be an aunt, which is very exiting All good things coming my way, but I still am a little bit lost. The dead of my friend shook me up quite a bit. It puts you back on your feet and makes you realize life is transient and makes you wonder what is really important.
I talk to Croga about all these things quite a lot and sometimes it clarifies things for me.

Thanks hun, for being there for me, for not giving up on us when the going got tough. I still love you and am still convinced you’re my soul mate. The one that understands me on a level not many people do. Thanks for being you And we will get there eventually. It might take some time but we will, I promise you that..

Here I am, Friday evening, the end of a weird week. Last Tuesday I got a phone call at about 5PM, one of my best friends had passed that morning…
I still don’t really know how I feel at the moment, my emotions are all over the place. She was 45 years old, had good things coming her way and was happy. Her heart just stopped beating…I remember I flipped and cried and all sorts of feelings came over me. Shock, disbelief, anger, a feeling of being in a very bad movie all of the sudden. I don’t know. I don’t even know what’s normal anymore, I just feel numb and out of it.

I still can’t believe she is gone, I was going over there this weekend and now all I can do is paying her my last respects this Tuesday when she will be cremated.
It’s unfair, just when you seem to be climbing out of a pit hole, you are thrown back in and you can start climbing out all over again. And the worse part is, the second person in my life that always helped me climbing out is now gone too…
The only thing that I can think of that’s keeping me sane right now is what she told me shortly after my father’s death: “he is still there, even though you can’t see him, if you have questions just ask him, the answer will come to you”
So, if you are out there, please tell me how to do this, cause I really don’t know. Loosing my father was tough, loosing ones best friend at my age…there are no words to describe how that feels. Puts you back on your own two feet, that’s for sure…

My friend bought me a small gift because she thought I deserved that. And it’s not even my birthday. She is such a sweet person Thank you for your support
Another addition to my dragon collection

Here comes the end by Kane from the album No Surrender

Oh I feel just like I felt before
but now it ends
Oh it comes just like it came before,
just like the wind, just like the wind
ooooh
Here comes the end

Time goes by just like a Rolling Stone, it never ends
You say no but there you go again,
no turning back, there’s no turning back
ooh, ooh, ooh
Here comes the end

I wanna know now, just how to turn you on
don’t wanna let you go
expecting nothing in return
just give me something I can learn
oh, give me something I can hold on to

And time goes by just like a lonely friend,
time goes by just like a friend
hey
we move on until we’re back again
we move on until it ends, until it ends
ooooh
Here comes the end

I wanna know now, just how to turn you on
don’t wanna let you go
expecting nothing in return
just give me something I can learn
oh, give me something I can hold on to

Expecting nothing in return
just give me something I can learn
Got no more bridges left to burn
And what I got is what I earned
I wanna know now, just how to turn you on
don’t wanna let you go

So, I have been promising a picture from my dad’s grave. Here you go We have been there again last saturday for cleaning and it was cold, very cold. But here is how it looks now.